What Joining Is Not
Joining is often misunderstood as being “nice,” agreeable, or overly supportive. In systemic family therapy—and especially in ESFT—joining is not:
- Taking sides with the child or the caregiver
- Agreeing with everyone to avoid conflict
- Being passive, overly validating, or permissive
- Avoiding tension, disagreement, or discomfort
- Building rapport at the expense of therapeutic direction
Joining is not about approval. It is not about aligning with behavior. And it is not about making everyone feel comfortable at all times.
When joining becomes appeasement, it weakens caregiver leadership and undermines change.
What Joining Actually Is
Joining is the intentional process of entering the family system in a way that allows the therapist to work effectively within it. It is relational, strategic, and grounded in respect for the family’s culture, structure, and lived experience.
In ESFT, joining happens at multiple levels:
- With the child or identified client
- With caregivers and co-caregivers
- With the family system as a whole
- With the family’s social ecology
Joining Is About Understanding, Not Agreeing
Joining does not require the therapist to agree with the family’s interpretations, behaviors, or conclusions. Instead, it requires accurate understanding of how each family member experiences the problem through the lens of the family assessment tools.
When families feel understood, they are more willing to:
- Stay engaged
- Take risks
- Try something new
- Accept guidance and leadership
Understanding creates safety. Safety creates movement.
True joining communicates: “I see you, I understand why this makes sense, and I can help.”
The client and family will experience they are understood, and can accept your influence to collaborate with them to resolve the relational challenge.
From Resistance to Relationship
What is often labeled as “resistance” is usually a sign that joining has not yet occurred at the right level. Families resist when they feel:
- Judged
- Misunderstood
- Blamed
- Rushed toward change
It helps the therapist ask:
- What am I missing?
- Who am I not joined with yet?
- What is happening that makes this pattern protective or necessary right now?
Joining Is Contextual and Cultural
Joining means adapting the therapist’s stance—not asking the family to adapt to the therapist. Effective joining accounts for the family’s:
- Family culture and values
- Social location and lived experience
- Historical trauma and adversity
- Power, privilege, and marginalization
Joining is the foundation that makes direction possible.