Author: Jennifer Benjamin
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Joining Without Colluding
“Am I joining with the family—or am I joining in on the pattern?”
#esft #joining #watchoutforinduction #collusion One of the most essential—and most misunderstood—skills in Ecosystemic Structural Family Therapy (ESFT) is the art of joining.
Joining is not simply about being warm, agreeable, or likable. It is not about aligning with one person’s perspective or “taking sides.” In fact, when joining slips into blind agreement, secret keeping, or following the maladaptive rules of the family system, it stops being joining altogether.
It becomes collusion.
And in systemic work, collusion can quietly undermine the very change we are trying to create.
What Is Joining in ESFT?
In ESFT, joining is a deliberate clinical stance. It is the process of entering into the family system in a way that communicates:
- I see you
- I understand your experience
- The client’s/caregiver’s behavior makes sense in context
This is only accomplished through the use of family assessment tools. Joining allows the therapist to build responses to the narrow, negative narrative, creating relational safety. This is necessary for any meaningful intervention. Without it, families cannot tolerate the discomfort required for change.
Colluding
“oh I don’t think we can talk about that with the children…” claims the caregiver as the therapist suggests the presence of addiction has taken over everyone in the family. The therapist has a decision to make. Do they say, “okay…I don’t want to do anything without your permission…” Or, do they say, “I hear you, it makes sense that you are terrified about saying this out loud, and I have to tell you that everyone has talked about it to me, just not to each other… How we are managing the impact of addiction has literally almost killed your child. They tried to kill themselves. I think this lagging skills of talking about emotional pain means everyone is suffering alone…”
Collusion happens when the therapist:
- Aligns too strongly with one family member’s perspective
- Reinforces a problem-saturated narrative
- Avoids challenging harmful, abusive, and coercive ways of relating
- Over-identifies with a client’s emotional experience and doesn’t seek supervision to develop an intention plan to use this insight in service of the family.
For example, a therapist might believe they are joining with a caregiver’s frustration by saying:
“It makes sense that you’re overwhelmed—your child is completely out of control.”
While this may feel validating, it will unintentionally:
- Solidify blame toward the child
- Reduce curiosity about the system
- Strengthen the very pattern maintaining the problem
In this moment, the therapist has moved from joining the experience to colluding with the narrative.
Joining around the “interaction between people”
In ESFT, we are not joining the content of what is being said—we are speaking to the interaction between family members. Because we believe the referral behaviors are a family based challenge, not an individual based challenge.
This is a critical distinction. Instead of agreeing with the single narrative, we look deeper:
- How did they get here?
- What are the strengths?
- How does the way people relate organize in the family?
- How does this structure maintain the current pattern?
A more systemic response might sound like:
“It makes sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed—and I wonder if your child’s behavior might also be a way of signaling how hard things have been for them lately…I don’t think anything has felt the same since your mother passed away…She was such an important member of this family and meant so much to all of you…”
Now, the therapist is:
- Validating the caregiver
- Expanding the meaning of the child’s behavior
- Opening space for a new interaction
This is joining without colluding.
Why This Balance Matters
Families often come to therapy with rigid, polarized narratives that are points of induction for the therapist:
- “The child is the problem”
- “The parent doesn’t care”
- “Nothing ever changes”
If the therapist joins one side of the narrative, the system becomes more entrenched. But if the therapist avoids joining altogether, the family experiences the therapist as distant or invalidating.
The work, then, is to hold both connection and clinical direction at the same time.
Joining without colluding allows the therapist to:
- Maintain simplicity in the face of complexity
- Preserve curiosity and complexity
- Create space for new patterns to emerge
Final Thought
Joining is not passive. It is an active, moment-to-moment clinical decision.
It requires therapists to stay grounded, curious, and aware of their own pull towards. It asks us to tolerate complexity, and remain connected to every member of the system—especially when the system itself is asking us to choose a side.
Because in ESFT, healing happens through connection, clarity, and the courage to see the system differently.
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2026 Marion Lindblad-Goldberg Award Nominee – Staff Cassie Chase
#MarionLindblad-GoldbergAward #ESFT # Systemicthinking I am honored to nominate Cassie Chase for the 2026 Marion Lindblad-Goldberg (MLG) Award – Staff. When Cassie is present in training spaces, the spirit of Marion Lindblad-Goldberg is present as well. Cassie embodies a deep commitment to honoring people with respect, curiosity, and kindness while simultaneously supporting the growth and development of her peers and the systems around her.
Maintains a systemic perspective
Cassie consistently demonstrates a strong systemic lens, holding awareness of the whole while thoughtfully working with the parts. In training, she naturally attends to isomorphic processes across treatment, supervision, and learning environments. Her reflections and questions reveal an ability to connect individual experiences to broader relational patterns, helping others see how their work fits within larger systems. Cassie does not simply apply tools—she understands how and why they matter within the ecosystem.Balances professional boundaries with collaborative relationships
Cassie is a leader in modeling collaboration, particularly through her use of the Collaboration Scale. She balances confidence in her professional knowledge with humility and openness, creating space for shared learning. Rather than positioning herself as an expert, she invites others into the process, fostering trust and competence across the group. Her leadership is authentic, relational, and grounded in a strength-based approach that uplifts those around her.Engages deeply in social ecology
Cassie demonstrates a clear appreciation for social ecology and lived experience. She reflects thoughtfully on how her own context, growth edges, and support systems inform her professional work. She actively engages in deliberate practice, using feedback, supervision, and peer collaboration to stretch herself developmentally. Her willingness to be reflective and transparent strengthens the learning environment and normalizes growth for others.Makes the most of intensity and challenge
Cassie views moments of struggle, uncertainty, and intensity as opportunities for growth. In training spaces, she helps shift discomfort into meaning-making by staying grounded and relational. She demonstrates facilitative leadership by keeping second-order change in focus—encouraging curiosity, bravery, and new relational patterns when others feel stuck. Her presence helps regulate the system and move it forward.Assesses with complexity while acting with simplicity
Cassie brings a sophisticated understanding of systemic assessment tools while communicating and acting in ways that feel accessible and validating. She continues to challenge herself to work smarter, not harder, using family assessment tools and the collaboration scale with intention and clarity. While her conceptualizations are complex, her actions are clear, relational, and deeply human—making learning feel possible for everyone in the room.Cassie Chase has become a quiet but powerful leader in training spaces. Her presence is a difference-maker for each cohort she joins. Through her authenticity, insight, and commitment to systemic growth, she fosters courage and connection in others. She exemplifies the values and legacy of Marion Lindblad-Goldberg in both spirit and practice.
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2026 Marion Lindblad-Goldberg Award Nominee: Staff Ashlie Girty
#MarionLindblad-GoldbergAward2026 #ESFT #systemicthinking I am honored to nominate Ashlie Girty for the 2026 Marion Lindblad-Goldberg (MLG) Award. Over the past year, Ashlie has truly blossomed—demonstrating meaningful growth in her leadership, clinical confidence, and systemic thinking. Her development reflects not only a deep respect for the ESFT model, but also a courageous commitment to engaging her growth edges in service of families and systems.
Maintains a systemic perspective
Ashlie consistently demonstrates an appreciation for the isomorphic process across training, treatment, and supervision. Her presence in the training room reflects an ability to hold awareness of the whole while thoughtfully attending to the parts. Through her observations and reflections, Ashlie brings clarity and calm to complex discussions, helping others slow down and see patterns within systems rather than focusing solely on individual behavior.Balances professional boundaries with collaborative relationships
Ashlie leads with a gentle, supportive presence that fosters trust and psychological safety. At the same time, she has intentionally worked to strengthen her ability to challenge within relationships—using family assessment tools as a guide rather than relying solely on support or reassurance. This balance allows her to collaborate authentically while maintaining professional clarity, sending a powerful message to families and colleagues alike: growth happens within connection, not at the expense of it.Engages deeply in social ecology
Ashlie demonstrates a strong commitment to understanding how her own social ecology. She actively seeks collaboration with her supervisor and peers, using these relationships as spaces for deliberate practice and reflection. Her willingness to engage honestly in learning—particularly around discomfort and uncertainty.Makes the most of intensity and challenge
Ashlie has shown remarkable courage in leaning into intensity rather than avoiding it. Her unwavering commitment to videotaping sessions and using feedback as a tool for growth exemplifies her ability to view struggle as an opportunity for development. Through this process, she has taken positive, thoughtful risks that empower clients and reinforce their capacity for change. Her approach reflects facilitative leadership that keeps second-order change at the forefront.Assesses with complexity while acting with simplicity
Ashlie’s use of the ESFT model and family assessment tools reflects a growing ability to conceptualize cases with depth while responding in ways that feel accessible, calm, and validating. Though her understanding of relational dynamics is increasingly complex, her actions remain grounded and clear. Families and colleagues experience her as warm, steady, and respectful—someone who makes challenging work feel possible.Ashlie Girty’s presence in training has brought peace, warmth, and steadiness to the learning environment. Her growth over the past year has been both intentional and impactful, marked by humility, courage, and a deep commitment to systemic practice. She embodies the relational heart of ESFT and the developmental spirit of the Marion Lindblad-Goldberg Award.
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March 2026 Newsletter
#pcfttc #esft #newslettersrock Dear Alliance,
We’re excited to bring you the latest from the Philadelphia Child and Family Therapy Training Center! This month’s newsletter is packed with updates, insights, and opportunities for professional growth:
- Malibu Bound: PCFTTC is heading to the Society for the Exploration of Psychotherapy Integration (SEPI) conference—discover what we’ll be sharing!
- Nominees for the 2026 MLG Award: Meet the inspiring professionals recognized for excellence in systemic family therapy.
- Pinky & Jen Wraparound the World: Learn how our directors are spreading systemic family therapy practices as podcast guests.
- Couples Therapy: Explore practical strategies and insights from our featured expert, faculty, Dr. Amber Berkoski on couples therapy.
- Free CE Programs: Enhance your skills with our Free continuing education opportunities.
Subscribe to the blog to access the newsletter!
For a copy of this month’s newsletter email training @pcfttc.com
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Context Matters (Part 1) with Lisa and Jennifer
Whether you’re new to ESFT or deepening your practice, this conversation underscores a core truth of systemic work: context matters.
Watch the full video below — it’s the first in a series designed to expand your understanding of systemic principles and support continued professional growth. 👇
We’re excited to share the latest video from the Philadelphia Child and Family Therapy Training Center—Context Matters (Part 1)—featuring an insightful dialogue between trainers Lisa and Jennifer.
In this conversation, Lisa and Jennifer explore the essence of context in systemic family therapy, emphasizing how awareness of context transforms the way we approach families, relationships, and clinical practice. They dive into the importance of seeing beyond isolated behaviors to the broader systems in which clients live and interact—highlighting how systemic thinking elevates both assessment and intervention.
🎯 What you’ll learn in the video:
- Why context is central to understanding family dynamics
- How systemic awareness shapes therapeutic engagement
- Practical ways to bring systemic perspective into training, supervision, and treatment
Stay tuned for Part 2, where Lisa and Jennifer continue this rich conversation!
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When Individual Work Isn’t Enough: Why Couples Therapy Requires Structure
#PCFTTC #ESFT #couples #DrB Recently, Dr. Amber Berkoski shared her reflections after reading “A Research-Driven Flow Chart to Approach Change in Couples,” Capozzi (2025). Her response highlights an issue many systemic clinicians quietly observe—but don’t always name clearly.
Too often, therapists assume that if they are competent working with individuals, they can seamlessly transition into working with couples. But individual therapy and couples therapy are not interchangeable skill sets. They require different lenses, structures, and ethical decision-making models.
As Dr. Berkoski noted, many couples arrive in her practice having been unintentionally harmed—not by unethical therapists, but by well-meaning clinicians who lacked a clear systemic framework. Without a structured decision-making model guiding whether to provide individual therapy, couples therapy, or both (and how), the work can quickly drift into triangulation.
When a therapist works individually with one partner while also attempting couples work without clear boundaries, predictable patterns emerge:
- Alliances become imbalanced.
- One partner feels unheard or pathologized.
- Therapy reinforces existing power struggles.
- The relationship strain intensifies rather than resolves.
This is not simply a technical mistake—it is a systemic one.
Couples therapy is not “individual therapy times two.” It requires a shift from intrapsychic formulation to interactional formulation. The identified problem is not housed within one partner; it is organized between them. Without a systemic frame, therapy can inadvertently place pressure on one person to change, reinforcing the very dynamics the couple is seeking relief from.
Dr. Berkoski’s appreciation for Capozzi’s research-driven flow chart speaks to something essential: structure protects both clinicians and clients. A clear model guides ethical decision-making. It helps therapists discern:
- When individual work is indicated
- When systemic work is necessary
- When combining modalities risks harming the alliance
When couples present for help, they are struggling with chronic problems in the relationship and want insight into who needs to be ‘fixed’. However, systemic practice tells us the question is not, “Who is the problem?” but rather, “What problems reside in the relationship we can better understand?”
In systemic practice, structure is not rigidity. It is protection. It protects the alliance. It protects the couple. And it protects the therapist from drifting into triangles that feel helpful in the moment but destabilizing over time.
Couples therapy deserves its own decision-making model and a commitment to systemic thinking. When clinicians embrace that distinction, couples experience feeling heard, understood, and held within a coherent therapeutic structure.
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What Joining Is—and What It Is Not
What Joining Is Not
Joining is often misunderstood as being “nice,” agreeable, or overly supportive. In systemic family therapy—and especially in ESFT—joining is not:
- Taking sides with the child or the caregiver
- Agreeing with everyone to avoid conflict
- Being passive, overly validating, or permissive
- Avoiding tension, disagreement, or discomfort
- Building rapport at the expense of therapeutic direction
Joining is not about approval. It is not about aligning with behavior. And it is not about making everyone feel comfortable at all times.
When joining becomes appeasement, it weakens caregiver leadership and undermines change.
What Joining Actually Is
Joining is the intentional process of entering the family system in a way that allows the therapist to work effectively within it. It is relational, strategic, and grounded in respect for the family’s culture, structure, and lived experience.
In ESFT, joining happens at multiple levels:
- With the child or identified client
- With caregivers and co-caregivers
- With the family system as a whole
- With the family’s social ecology
Joining Is About Understanding, Not Agreeing
Joining does not require the therapist to agree with the family’s interpretations, behaviors, or conclusions. Instead, it requires accurate understanding of how each family member experiences the problem through the lens of the family assessment tools.
When families feel understood, they are more willing to:
- Stay engaged
- Take risks
- Try something new
- Accept guidance and leadership
Understanding creates safety. Safety creates movement.
True joining communicates: “I see you, I understand why this makes sense, and I can help.”
The client and family will experience they are understood, and can accept your influence to collaborate with them to resolve the relational challenge.
From Resistance to Relationship
What is often labeled as “resistance” is usually a sign that joining has not yet occurred at the right level. Families resist when they feel:
- Judged
- Misunderstood
- Blamed
- Rushed toward change
It helps the therapist ask:
- What am I missing?
- Who am I not joined with yet?
- What is happening that makes this pattern protective or necessary right now?
Joining Is Contextual and Cultural
Joining means adapting the therapist’s stance—not asking the family to adapt to the therapist. Effective joining accounts for the family’s:
- Family culture and values
- Social location and lived experience
- Historical trauma and adversity
- Power, privilege, and marginalization
Joining is the foundation that makes direction possible.
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“There’s a hole in my sidewalk…”: A Systemic View of Change in ESFT
#portianelson #holeinmysidewalk #ESFT #PCFTTC Portia Nelson’s poem There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk is often read as a story about individual growth and personal responsibility. But when viewed through the lens of Ecosystemic Structural Family Therapy (ESFT), the poem offers a powerful metaphor for how patterns develop—and change—within families and systems.
In ESFT, behavior is never viewed in isolation. Symptoms are signals, not defects. They emerge within a web of relationships, histories, and environmental pressures. In the poem, the “hole” represents more than a personal misstep; it reflects a negative interactional pattern that continues until the system itself changes.
In the early chapters of the poem, the narrator repeatedly falls into the hole, feeling confused, helpless, and ashamed. This mirrors what families experience when a child’s behavior becomes the focus of concern. The system reacts to the symptom—often with urgency, fear, or blame—without fully understanding how everyone’s responses contribute to the pattern. The problem feels external, inevitable, and overwhelming.
As the poem progresses, the narrator becomes aware of the hole and learns how to cope with falling in. This stage reflects first-order change: the system adapts without restructuring. Families may implement behavior plans, crisis interventions, or short-term supports that help manage the distress. While these efforts can bring temporary relief, the underlying interactional pattern remains intact. The hole is still there.
True transformation begins when the narrator walks around the hole. In ESFT terms, this is second-order change. Caregivers begin to see behavior in context. Leadership shifts. Interactions change. The family no longer responds automatically to distress but instead engages differently—using strengths, co-regulation, and collaboration. The symptom loses its power because the system no longer requires it.
The final chapter of the poem—choosing a different sidewalk altogether—captures the essence of sustainable systemic change, restructuring. ESFT aims to help families build new relational pathways. Through joining, reframing, enactment, and anchoring, families practice and solidify healthier ways of connecting, responding, and problem-solving.
Ultimately, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk reminds us that healing is not about avoiding mistakes or fixing individuals. It’s about recognizing patterns, understanding their origins, and choosing—together—to walk a different path. That is the heart of ESFT: changing the system so that growth becomes possible.