Author: Jennifer Benjamin

What Joining Is Not

Joining is often misunderstood as being “nice,” agreeable, or overly supportive. In systemic family therapy—and especially in ESFT—joining is not:

• Taking sides with the child or the caregiver
• Agreeing with everyone to avoid conflict
• Being passive, overly validating, or permissive
• Avoiding tension, disagreement, or discomfort
• Building rapport at the expense of therapeutic direction

Joining is not about approval. It is not about aligning with behavior. And it is not about making everyone feel comfortable at all times.

When joining becomes appeasement, it weakens caregiver leadership and undermines change.

What Joining Actually Is

Joining is the intentional process of entering the family system in a way that allows the therapist to work effectively within it. It is relational, strategic, and grounded in respect for the family’s culture, structure, and lived experience.

In ESFT, joining happens at multiple levels:

• With the child or identified client
• With caregivers and co-caregivers
• With the family system as a whole
• With the family’s social ecology

Joining Is About Understanding, Not Agreeing

Joining does not require the therapist to agree with the family’s interpretations, behaviors, or conclusions. Instead, it requires accurate understanding of how each family member experiences the problem through the lens of the family assessment tools.

When families feel understood, they are more willing to:

• Stay engaged
• Take risks
• Try something new
• Accept guidance and leadership

Understanding creates safety. Safety creates movement.

True joining communicates: “I see you, I understand why this makes sense, and I can help.”

The client and family will experience they are understood, and can accept your influence to collaborate with them to resolve the relational challenge.

From Resistance to Relationship

What is often labeled as “resistance” is usually a sign that joining has not yet occurred at the right level. Families resist when they feel:

• Judged
• Misunderstood
• Blamed
• Rushed toward change

It helps the therapist ask:

• What am I missing?
• Who am I not joined with yet?
• What is happening that makes this pattern protective or necessary right now?

Joining Is Contextual and Cultural

Joining means adapting the therapist’s stance—not asking the family to adapt to the therapist. Effective joining accounts for the family’s:

• Family culture and values
• Social location and lived experience
• Historical trauma and adversity
• Power, privilege, and marginalization

Joining is the foundation that makes direction possible.

Writing the Treatment Plan Together—When Collaboration Is the Intervention

In systemic family therapy, treatment planning is often misunderstood as an administrative requirement—something completed to satisfy documentation standards, payer expectations, or agency policy. In reality, treatment planning is a clinical intervention. How the plan is created, who participates, and how it is revisited over time directly shape engagement, accountability, and outcomes.

When treatment plans are written with families rather than for them, they function as a roadmap for shared work rather than a list of tasks imposed from the outside.

Collaboration Builds Ownership

Collaborative treatment planning reinforces a core systemic principle: change happens through relationships, not compliance. When families participate in naming goals, identifying priorities, and defining what progress will look like, they are more likely to remain engaged and invested.

This process also helps clarify expectations early. Families deserve to understand:

• What the therapist believes needs to change
• Why those targets matter
• What each person’s role will be
• How progress will be measured

Rather than overwhelming families with clinical language, effective treatment planning translates the model into accessible, relational terms. It aligns professional expertise with the family’s lived experience.

The Treatment Plan is a Living Document!

Ethical practice does not end once a treatment plan is written. In systemic work, re-evaluation is not optional—it is a responsibility. Families change, circumstances shift, and interventions may or may not produce the intended effects. A treatment plan that is never revisited becomes disconnected from the reality of care. Ongoing evaluation allows the therapist and family to ask:

• Are we seeing movement in the primary targets?
• What has improved—and what has not?
• What barriers are emerging in the system?
• Do goals need to be refined, expanded, or redirected?

When progress stalls, the response should be curiosity, not persistence with ineffective strategies.

Protecting Families and Clinicians

Collaborative treatment planning also serves an ethical safeguard. Families are protected from drifting through therapy without clear direction, while clinicians are protected from practicing outside their scope or continuing interventions that are no longer clinically justified.

Documenting shared goals, agreed-upon interventions, and timelines for review ensures that care remains intentional and defensible—regardless of payer source.

Collaboration, a Change Mechanism

Ultimately, writing the treatment plan together is not just good practice—it is the practice. The act of collaborating, clarifying, and revising mirrors the relational work families are being asked to do in their own systems.

Entering Session From Day One with Clarity

Many therapists hesitate to set clear expectations at the beginning of treatment. The fear is understandable: I don’t want to overwhelm the family. I don’t want to seem rigid. I need to build rapport first. While well intentioned, this delay often creates more harm than protection.

In systemic family therapy, clarity is not the opposite of compassion—it is an expression of it.

From the very first session, therapists have an ethical responsibility to clearly articulate what they need in order to provide effective treatment. This is not about control or authority; it is about transparency, competence, and respect for the family’s time, energy, and investment in care.

Why Early Clarity Matters

Families typically enter treatment during moments of crisis, confusion, or exhaustion. They are often navigating multiple systems—schools, child welfare, juvenile justice, medical providers—each with its own expectations and demands. When therapy adds implicit or unspoken expectations, families may feel blamed, confused, or set up to fail.

Early clarity answers critical questions families are already asking internally:

• What will therapy actually require of us?
• Who needs to be involved?
• How often do we need to meet?
• What happens if things escalate?
• What does the therapist believe creates change?

When these questions remain unanswered, families often fill in the gaps with assumptions—many of which are shaped by past experiences of “non family therapy” and of being judged, blamed, or pathologized.

Clarity Is an Ethical Obligation

Ethically, therapists are responsible for practicing within their scope of competence. That means being honest about the conditions under which their model is effective. In ESFT, for example, meaningful change depends on caregiver involvement, relational work, and attention to the family’s broader social ecology.

From day one, therapists should clearly state expectations related to:

• Who needs to attend sessions (e.g., caregivers, co-caregivers, siblings)
• Frequency and consistency of sessions
• The role of caregivers in treatment
• Use of collateral contacts (schools, caseworkers, probation, etc.)
• Crisis planning and safety expectations
• Participation in between-session practice

These are not demands placed on families. They are professional responsibilities owned by the therapist. When framed appropriately, they communicate: “This is what I need in order to help you in the way I believe is effective.”

The Cost of Avoiding Early Agreements

When expectations are delayed or softened to avoid discomfort, problems often emerge later:

• Caregivers feel blindsided when asked to attend more sessions
• Therapists feel frustrated by lack of follow-through
• Ruptures occur when boundaries are finally named
• Families disengage, believing therapy “isn’t working”

Importantly, these ruptures are rarely about the expectations themselves. They arise because expectations were never made explicit, negotiated, or revisited.

Avoiding clarity does not preserve the alliance—it weakens it.

Therapist’s Leadership

In systemic work, how we practice is as important as what we do. When therapists lead with clarity, consistency, and calm authority, they model the very leadership many families are struggling to establish at home.

• Reduce power struggles by making roles explicit
• Normalize structure as supportive rather than punitive
• Increase predictability, which enhances safety
• Support caregivers in stepping into leadership roles themselves

Rather than overwhelming families, clarity often brings relief. Families may not like every recommendation, but they appreciate knowing what is expected and why.

Clarity as an Act of Respect

Entering session from day one with clear agreements communicates respect for the family’s autonomy. It allows families to make informed decisions about their participation in treatment. It also protects clinicians from practicing outside their scope or delivering care that is unlikely to be effective.